Remember when you were a tiny little kid and all you wanted was to grow up? You wanted to hang out with your friends by yourself, stay up late, study complex subjects (yeah I once saw someone doing math with fancy looking symbols and chose to take up maths later on. Never regretted something more smh).

I was (and am) pretty much like that too. But now that these awaited moments like my school farewell and college applications are rolling around, things don’t seem as glamorous.

Seeing my older cousins hang out with their friends at cafes seemed the best thing ever while I only hung out with my friends at the park or in my lane.

Dressing up for college and events (casual kurtis in my case) showed so much potential for self-expression and not be bounded by the dress codes and the uniforms in school.

Staying up late was such a “big kid” thing to do. If you stayed up till 4 am studying, in my head it meant you were a serious student and were dedicated to your academics. (I’m in 12th, and tbh, I still don’t do this, even though with the workload I need to. Sleep>>>)

As an avid people watcher, regularly travelling to and back from somewhere in public transport has always been my dream. And places where public transport isn’t available, driving seems so freeing. It looks like the perfect activity to clear my mind after an exhausting day. (talking in present tense cause I still can’t drive)

While I’m proud to declare that I hang out with my friends at cafes now, wear kurtis to my heart’s pleasure and commute back and forth from the school by myself (I still don’t stay up till sunrise, though I’ll occasionally extend my waking hours till 1 am), these things aren’t all fun.

Hanging out cafes costs $$$, needs you to dress up to be presentable and get your ass out of the home. Choosing something to wear every other day can be somewhat of an agony, and waiting for public transport can be frustrating when you’re already tired or in a hurry. Now that I occasionally stay up late and know why it’s bad for me, I know what a gift is to get enough sleep.

This is not to say these things I get to do are no good, nor am I complaining but just pointing out the fact that they don’t look as attractive right now as they did in the past, and the past seems much more alluring. When we have actually reached this point, we can see all the shortcomings that we couldn’t see from far away. I do realise that getting to these things is a blessing.

It’s funny how when I was younger all I’d care about is growing up – not literally though, I also cared a lot about watching Mickey Mouse and Clubhouse and Handy Manny on Disney XD before going to school – but now that I’m growing up (yeah I guess I am, it feels weird to actually say it) and do most things I want to, I’d do anything to get a polio drop, to get in the dollhouse in my primary school, to come back home from school and take a 4-hour nap after which I forget what dimension or timeline I’m in.

There’s just one simple thing I’ve learnt in this whole process of wanting to grow up and wanting to be a kid again. And that is, happiness isn’t a stage. You don’t achieve it when you reach a certain age or rank in life. It’s something you learn to find in every moment, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. It’s something you create for yourself.

And I think that’s something we all need to learn.

So whether you’re a kid or an adult whose reading this, be excited for what’s coming while embracing what you have right now and wherever you are. ‘Cause, there’s no coming back and before you know it, you’ll be wanting to relive the life you’re living right now.

Bottom Line

Growing up isn’t always glamorous as it seems and that happiness isn’t a stage that can be reached, but is something that can be found in every moment.

P.S. As I was writing this post, I did realise that it is somewhere along the lines of this post, and even though a good portion is similar, I thought there was still something to add.

P.P. S. As much as I’d love to be a kid again, I never wanna take permission to go to the washroom ever again.